"And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel

I think after today I'm going to take a few days off from doing this. It seems like I will be writing the same things every single day, and that can get a little stagnant. I don't want to seem like i'm bitching or complaining (even though thats pretty much what it is). But still, I need a few days to attempt to reach some clarity on a few things.

"And I know that it's a wonderful world but I can't feel it right now...I thought I was doing well, but I just want to cry now.."

I had a bad day today, and I really don't know why. Nothing in particular happened. I think I'm just mad at myself for everything that has happened...for allowing it to happen to me. I was doing a lot of thinking today, and I'm not going to be able to movie past all of the things that hurt me, because I know that I brought them on myself. I provoked all of these things to happen in some way, shape or form. Not intentionally, but I let the not-so-good things in and as a result of my foolishness, I'm here. In this place. I am SO frustrated. I was thinking today that maybe that makes me a bad person. I am a bad person for letting the bad things in and trusting other people. Look where that has gotten me. Sad, depressed, lonely, and wanting to have any life except for mine. I am not normal, there has to be something wrong with me. No more. I want to be done. I am tired of people leaving.

4 Seasons of Loneliness

Got orientated at my new place of employment today. Apparently lipstick and eyes shadow are a requirement....looks like I'm going make-up shopping tomorrow. If you see me looking like a drag queen, don't judge me.

Anyways, today was a bit difficult. I am feeling EXTREMELY lonely, and I really don't know how to snap out of it. Though i've had this feeling for awhile, lately it has been getting worse. I just want someone to care about ME. I was thinking about it today, and though this sounds pathetic, if something were to happen to me in my apartment, I don't think anyone would know. No one would call, and if they did, they would just leave me a voicemail, thinking i was busy or something. I always feel that I'm the one making the effort every single time to either hang out with people or just simply stay in contact with them. I think I desperately just need something to change for the better. I need something to go right and not just get worse. And I need to feel like I am not wasting my time on anything or anyone which is the position I am in now. Its frustrating to the point where I don't even want to try anymore, but at the same time I just keep trudging along, with the last bit of faith that I have left that change is gonna come. BLAH!

I'll Try Something New

This is going to be pretty cut and dry. 2007 thus far has been extremely difficult for me. Not going into any detail, but I decided that I needed to try something new. So everyday I am going to take a picture of myself and write what I'm thinking and feeling... (a diary if you will...yah!)...right. The goal is to do this for a year, and see how much I've changed and grown as a person. So here's to day 1. Today was actually one of my normal days. Woke up early, cleaned my apartment, and managed to clog my kitchen sink...still waiting for the Draino to do its job. The picture to the right is screaming "Lame-o...Lame for doing this"....we'll just have to see how it goes.